I’m in a funk. A weird one. An unexplained one. I don’t feel inspired and multiple times when I’ve tried to come here and try and write this out, I’ve been left staring at a blank document constantly backtracking and repeating words. It’s like all the jewels of energy in me have evaporated and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I’ve felt like this before, many times before and if honest, more like this than anything else. My sleeping patterns have improved in that I wake earlier (around 7am) and go to bed earlier (around 10pm but usually read until 11.30pm). But when I am awake I just feel as if there’s a bottomless pit swallowing me up, consuming me and whenever I try, I just fall flat.
March has swung round which means I am well into my Masters and any hope of wanting to per sue a PhD seems to be fading. If I feel this uninspired now, how can I fight this for the next three years? As much as I want to fight to further research into Pulmonary Fibrosis, I feel right now isn’t the time to fight, but to cherish. My Father is still here, recovering from flu and pneumonia which means round the clock care. He’s mostly independent but the little things we take for granted are a marathon to him. To think this may get worse, no, this will get worse and I’ll be attempting a Doctorate is an exhausting thought to even consider. So I think this is what has got me in a funk.
I am nor never will be someone who can burn the candle at both ends, wake at the crack of dawn and work through to late nights or be consumed by their work. I fall apart at living a basic life let alone pushing myself beyond the realms of what is considered healthy for a person to do. That’s not to say I’m pushing my dreams of PhD away for eternity, it is still something I very much want to achieve. But maybe just not right now.
Right now I need to fix my life. To stop this never ending cycle of jumping ideas and dreams only to give up when the tough gets going or from the outset if it looks too hard. I completed my Undergrad in Computing last year and have beaten myself up over the past weeks by giving up too soon on something was always a hidden passion for me; teaching. A part of me felt teaching in itself was failing but why is it wrong to want to pass on to others? And nothing has to be forever. So in essence I’m doing what I said I would before; going into teaching.
I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s something that I feel will come easier. The discipline and structure will work wonders for my mood and energy plus it’s something ever since a young age that I felt I could go forth with. Plus now I’ll have qualifications in both Computing and Psychology so can tow the line and teach either one. Since this idea struck me only a few days ago it’s like a fire has ignited and though it’s burning softly, it is there. And that’s all I need right now.
But for now I need to focus on the now. My fathers health, completing my Masters and getting the best of this research dissertation as I still someday want to per sue that as a PhD in future. All the other dreams will fall into place. Being a homeowner. A teacher. Something who is passionate and shares. Someone who is ultimately much happier.
This morning, around 7am, I was awake but every part of me still felt asleep. And then there was the most beautiful sunlight cascading over the daffodils. Spring is here. A fresh awakening to become the person you wish to be and to start on the adventures you wish to succeed at in life. So this is me. A little green bud who will hopefully blossom into a bright vibrant yellow daffodil in the coming months. It just takes a little time for some of us.