Normally at New Year I feel calm, peaceful at another Year end and welcoming to the new adventure ahead of us. As mentioned in my previous post I’ve been low the past few weeks, something I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was on the fence with celebrating and instead going to quietly let midnight roll over me. Until I saw someone this morning who changed everything.
Now I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty of who this person is or the impact she had on my life because I’ve spent a good couple of years trying to erase her memory from my mind. But what I will say was that she was a nasty vile piece of work, a girlfriend of someone I went to college with who made it her mission to bully me, tear me down and blame all her own misfortunes on my very existence. The breakdown of her own relationship (at her own hands) became my fault and on multiple occasions she went out of her way to humiliate me as well as recruiting people I didn’t even know to join in. Normally I would try to find reasoning and understanding, give them a break on the fact they might not know the impact of their actions. But she did know, she knew very well how she was treating me to the point that this morning when she saw me, she buried her face in her phone, a cowardly act to not even acknowledge me.
This brief interaction made me angry. It made me angry not to see her, but to be reminded that I allowed someone like this to break me. Ever since, it has wildly affected my social interactions and brought back every fear and anxiety when it comes to spending time with friends. It made me spiral down, gain more weight, beat myself up and generally give up that I was worth anything. I knew this person for less than a year and they managed to successfully needle their way into the subconscious demons I had been personally battling for years, and to ignite them to start again. In those few seconds this morning, as I watched her walk past doing everything in her power to not give me eye contact, I felt vengeful.
To make it clear, I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want anything to do with her. Toward the end of last year I lost a very good friend of mine because I couldn’t bear the fact they still wanted to be in contact with someone who treated them the same way she did me, the very same person in fact. She never apologised or showed remorse for her actions, in fact I truly believe she would probably behave the same way if our paths crossed again. But to her, and others in my life who have put me down, or hurt me, I feel anger. Anger that I’ve spent nearly twenty seven years of my life allowing them to control me. Allowing them to fuel all the horrible things I tell myself daily. Allowing myself to remain civil so as not to rock the boat than to expel them and call them out for the horrible things they’ve said or done and have never apologised for.
January is a fresh start. It’s the old cliche of starting new adventures. And normally I’d accept it, but not feel it. This year I feel it. After that twenty second smack in the face of a memory this morning, I feel angry but passionate. Passionate to let these ghosts go, to tackle these demons head on and to move on. Why hide away from the world? I know who hurts me, I know more will hurt me in the future but it isn’t an invitation to let them control my life.
To that girl I saw this morning, fuck you. To the girls at the end of Secondary School who believed one persons lie and shunned me, fuck you. To the girls in Primary School who teased me for being bigger and less pretty, fuck you. To the girls and boys who bullied me about my weight and my differences, fuck you. To anyone who has ever hurt me, and whom I’ve allowed to control me for twenty seven years. FUCK YOU.
I can’t guarantee that the new year will bring continuous positivity, it would be foolish to suggest that anyone can get away with twelve months where there is no pain or hurt. But I can guarantee that I am going to try harder to eliminate these people from my life. The next time I might see her, I might say hello and smile to show her that she doesn’t own me anymore. I might do the same to all of them. Because they’re not ghosts anymore, they’re just strangers walking down a street. And they hold no grip on me or who I am anymore.