This Christmas period has been an odd one for me. Early December I was indulged and in love with the impending festive season, but jump three weeks later and I felt tired and somewhat unstable. My mind had slipped and I felt low, struggling to maintain the cheery positive facade that I’ve perfected in the last year. Even a family outing to the Warner Bros studio tour could not save me and I spent the day feeling teary, disillusioned and generally overwhelmed. To show the depths of these “off” days here’s I see something I wrote on my phone.
Sometimes you’re in a crowd of people and you feel like a ghost. There’s just an empty shell. Eyes are like glass as faint tears fall. It’s difficult to hide the pain of emptiness when the more you observe, the more it hurts. It’s a weird pain. Every breath feels like an ache. Like a burden. And when you think of holding your breath forever it hits home just how much in despair you truly are. A brain is a wicked friend. It tells you all the things you try desperately to ignore. You’re useless. A failure. The pointless existence of the room. An accident of the world. No one could feel more disappointment than you do in yourself. Yet every pitiful glance is a twist in the knife you daily plunge into your own soul as you mentally berate yourself of every thing about you that is pointless. No one asks you how you are anymore because you both know the answer is a lie. There is no such thing as “okay”. You could probably spend hours staring into a mirror. Analysing every wrinkle and every tear that falls. You smile politely. You breathe deeply. You avoid others eyes. You avoid words. Your life is too tiring around that brutal truth that you’re struggling. And you don’t even have the strength to say help me.
Christmas Day itself wasn’t much better. Unfortunately my Ma had a terrible migraine and spent most of the day in bed so a Christmas Lunch became three which was hastily eaten so as to entertain my nephews. To say I’m sick of television is an understatement so I decided to retire to bed early with a good book. However being ill myself, sleep was disrupted and only until last night did I manage a decent night sleep. The night before last I was kept awake from a horrific pain in my right arm, a sore ache that became a shooting pain every time I moved it.
It doesn’t need to be said that when feeling mentally low, and then your physical health deteriorates it makes the whole situation a whole lot worse. However thanks to a lovely GP and a prescription for anti inflammatory drug things have improved in the past twenty four hours. But this has also been a wake up call about how little I care for my health, again both mentally and physically. Things in 2017 need to change. Quite frankly, I think I’ve just burned myself out.
So as a New Year looms and as many have proclaimed, it’s a good feeling to put 2016 behind us. Though we can’t promise that on a cultural or political level things will improve next year, we can try damn hard to ensure that we at least take care of ourselves better so when the next Christmas rolls around in the blink of an eye, I at least can look back on this year and thank god it’s now behind me.
Wishing you all a happy and peaceful New Year weekend x